@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

- @BGH70

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@tomcashgent

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@PanicRestroom

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

@AndyAsAdjective

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@mom_ontherocks

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

@juneohara65

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

@seanbgoneill

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”