2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me