2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway