2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*