Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
May have had one breakfast too many
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Happy thanksgiving!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*