First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH