2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm