*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
*dog now also fat*

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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!


I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them


[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free


Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.


if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.


DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does