[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow