@ErrenMichaels

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

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@MissHavisham

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@PleaseBeGneiss

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

@illingsworth

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does