@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

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@shawnspree

It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.

@KattsDogma

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

@MorganJ7

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

@the_tsai_guy

If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.

@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

@IamEnidColeslaw

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

@UnFitz

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.