2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Note to self: I am a note
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*