2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I told my vodka about you.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Happy Thanksgiving
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*ernest hemingway voice*