If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology