2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
You Might Also Like
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.