2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law