Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@markhoppus

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

@MensHumor

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

@UnfilteredMama

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

@blade_funner

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@envydatropic

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

@prufrockluvsong

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

@james_blue_cat

I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.

@karanbirtinna

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.