[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Put this video in the Louvre
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.