ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

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I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.


My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”


wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.


Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?


[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd


I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.


I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.


Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.