@Brampersandon_

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

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I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

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wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

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3) How’s the business?

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@james_blue_cat

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@karanbirtinna

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.