SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.


Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.


My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.


MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie


[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*


BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.


Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”


Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?


There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.