@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

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@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@AlexRogaski

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@KoKeniSasquatch

My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.

@ArfMeasures

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

@UnFitz

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

@realfunghi

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.