@ItsAndyRyan
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
@UncleDuke1969
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
You Might Also Like
@ItsAndyRyan
@AlexRogaski
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
@KoKeniSasquatch
My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.Shit. It’s empty.
@ArfMeasures
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
@UnFitz
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
@Tmoney68
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
@realfunghi
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
@DirtyMelodies
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
@WilliamAder
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
@Its_Baldylockz
Now picture me using proper grammar
Wronger