I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.