@portmanteauface

2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road

2020: gonna have to eat my horse

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@UncleDuke1969

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

@caithuls

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

@BoomBoomBetty

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@Chris__oj

Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.

@aalicesayss

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!