Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road
2020: gonna have to eat my horse
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain