A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters