@portmanteauface
@UncleDuke1969
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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@UncleDuke1969
@caithuls
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
@BoomBoomBetty
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
@nathanwpyle
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
@daemonic3
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
@ilovepie84
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
@Chris__oj
Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.
@aalicesayss
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.
@TheBoydP
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
@hermanntrude
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain