2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.

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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.


[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?


me: i wish i was immortal

genie: done

ㅤ won’t just

pixar lamp: why you die


I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.


What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.


Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*