@CrabbyDaCrab

2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.

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@Henry_3k

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@kieransofar

me: i wish i was immortal

genie: done

[later]
ㅤ won’t just

pixar lamp: why you die

@baronvonbike

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*