me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Woke up against my better judgment again
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.