My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.
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me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
People that study meteors are called weatherologists
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
me: i wish i was immortal
ㅤ won’t just
pixar lamp: why you die
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*