2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
me, after any kind of buffet.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.