2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

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HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?

Me: Nope.

HR: Why not?

Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.


6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?


ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.


What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?


If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.


so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?


please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time