@EmissaryKerry

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?

Me: Nope.

HR: Why not?

Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@MissLeslieG

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

@Jake_Vig

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

@biggspirit

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

@arielleBigBlue

If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.

@mvrlyns

so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?

@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time