2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
then why did i get this email
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.