2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
never compromise your values
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
when dads have a rap battle
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.