@Jandalize

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

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@nathandeschaine

Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@Neuronicism

If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@InternetHippo

COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer

@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

@daemonic3

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS

@MaybePileJokes

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain