2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

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Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.


Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.


*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot


If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.


Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”


If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.


COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer


Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-storm drains
-the street
-little girls
-the prom


PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?


PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS


captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain