2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.