2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy