2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
When your man makes a valid point
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Watson was Holmes schooled
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm