2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”


“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having


Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.


I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.


ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me



Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”


Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.


I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve


[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.



wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza