Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DraggingFeeties

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

@CelebrityChez

Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

@Kori_Okie

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@shkeeber

Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.

@Mindless4Miles

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

@DrCephalopod

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza