2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
the icebreaker
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…