2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham