2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.