2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
how to exercise your calf muscles
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*