2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
favorite tropes as memes
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
very niche meme I made