2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.