I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Twitter fine art
these two trucks have the same bed length
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*