My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
This hospital has everything
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault