If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.