@dadthatwrites

2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

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@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@iinkedZombie

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@GingerHotDish

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

@MissMalbec

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.