2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.