@SkippyMcGizzard
@shkeeber
Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.
Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
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@shkeeber
@skittle624
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
@samdunsiger
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
@AnExocticBeach
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
@dafloydsta
[job interview]
“Tell me one of your long term goals”
Sleeping
“No, I meant-”
*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change
@margolundy
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
@davidkenny100
Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
@envydatropic
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
@sageboggs
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
@jenlaw_11
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat