Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.
Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
You Might Also Like
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Tell me one of your long term goals”
“No, I meant-”
*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat