@SkippyMcGizzard

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

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@shkeeber

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@samdunsiger

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@jenlaw_11

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat