2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.