@bornmiserable

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

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@withanewname

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@NotThatKevin

I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…

@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@batkaren

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim