2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
Where’s that?
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?


*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*


I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…


[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*


“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.


A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.


Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim