2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Optional boss fight.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Seems a bit forward
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?