@EmissaryKerry

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

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@_freebird99_

OMG I LOVE RUNNING!

*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

@SwaGGTheRapper

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@RodLacroix

Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?

Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?

Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.

@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

@BoogTweets

A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching