OMG I LOVE RUNNING!
*endorphins wear off
That shit can’t happen again.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching