“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
What is your dream car and why?
Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.