2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS


me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*


Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??


9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college


A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.


[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane


I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.