2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”