How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I am never leaving this website
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.