2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no