2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.


“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*


If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day


My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.


Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.


saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming


ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?


I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.