My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
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“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.