2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
You Might Also Like
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.