God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
2020: The Year In Review
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
CDC: you should wear masks
everyone: where do we get masks
CDC: idk. just need you to wear them
You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.