@TheAlexNevil

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

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@karanbirtinna

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

@OneTrickTofani

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

@skeletonpup

CDC: you should wear masks

everyone: where do we get masks

CDC: idk. just need you to wear them

@LinajkReturns

You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.

@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

@NikkiGlaser

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

@UncleDuke1969

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

@donni

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.