2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
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So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.