2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
shit just got real
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.