@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

You Might Also Like

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@UnFitz

God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.

Jesus:

God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

@_coryrichardson

me: im gonna eat florida

date: *nervously* w-what

me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time

date: *now crying* please stop

me: *mouth full of dirt* no

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

@bobsaget

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@Capt_Spanky

Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.