2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
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“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
me: im gonna eat florida
date: *nervously* w-what
me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time
date: *now crying* please stop
me: *mouth full of dirt* no
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.