bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
How to draw a duck
I am also baked goods
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Just me and my debit card against the world
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?