2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

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Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.


God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


ME: I got you a therapy cat


ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach


me: im gonna eat florida

date: *nervously* w-what

me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time

date: *now crying* please stop

me: *mouth full of dirt* no


gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse


Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.


Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.