I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
それは草
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot