I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend鈥檚 freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I鈥檝e got it
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum鈥檚 flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Before & after 馃槄
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
馃く馃く馃く
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Valentine鈥檚 Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Things will get butter, keep churning
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.