Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@prufrockluvsong

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@KellieMounce

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

@ericONEderful

I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .

@aksorojas

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

@drxubair

Sometimes things are not what they appear. Just because I am sitting with an open book doesn’t mean that I am studying.

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@Barack_and_Joe

When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun