them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
Sometimes things are not what they appear. Just because I am sitting with an open book doesn’t mean that I am studying.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”
When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun